The Fallout
7 March 2008It seems that the result of a very difficult year, combined with the reality that we just aren’t going to get pregnant without intervention, is that I’m somewhat arrested in my ability to cope with any kind of required action or decision making in my daily life. Where I used to have ideas, definition and achievement I’m left with indecision and almost helplessness. I find myself relying more and more on Drew to handle the phone calls, ask the questions, and lead the project at hand. It’s not just the obvious things like the subconscious resistance to taking the steps to further our IVF progress. It is little things like deciding on which tent to buy, or talking about where to potentially go on vacation. Even the mere mention of trying to move at some indefinable date in the distant future can throw me into a tailspin.
I thought that 2007 and all the difficulties were behind us, and that my coping mechanisms would rebuild. I thought that 2008 would be a good year, but in some ways it is more difficult than 2007. Sure we don’t have the house on the market anymore, we’re not living in a staged home, and my job situation has stabilized. Those are good things, and they were day to day stressors that ultimately took a lot out of me. But we are still fighting the good fight on the pregnancy front. It’s been about 5 years of disappointment every time I get my period. It is 5 years of watching people around me getting pregnant not once, but multiple times. It’s 2 years since Drew had the surgery that was supposed to fix everything. It’s 1 week since I had to give up hope that it ever would happen naturally and face facts that IVF is our only option. That is a very difficult realization to process on an emotional level and impossible to explain to anyone not dealing with infertility.
Drew sees IVF as the solution. And it may be, but the success rate is around 40% at my age. The success rate for his surgery was around 70% and we all know how that worked out. So I expect the worst and hope for the best. I have doubts that it will be our ‘magic bullet.’ I resent that it has come down to this - not Drew, but the situation. I’m scared that it won’t work. In some ways I’m a mess, and it’s not going to get easier any time soon.
The consequence is that I feel incapable of handling anything extra. I’m not saying I’m spending my days in the corner with my blanket. I go to work and do my job well. I handle my responsibilities around the house, and I’m no worse or better to be around than usual. I just find it challenging to make decisions. Maybe it is because the ones that matter never seem to work out anymore.
on March 11th, 2008 at 11:55 am
You are right it’s difficult to process not having had infertility problems myself but I do understand grieving. It sounds to me like you are going through a grieving process. You have had a lot of dreams die or be put away indefinitely if not forever. Being unable to make decisions, adversion to change and skepticism are not uncommon during grief. Grief is a stage of life. I hope that if you are truly going through a greiving period that at the end you are rewarded with the fruits of healing when it’s passed.
on March 12th, 2008 at 8:20 am
I think there is probably a lot of truth to that idea. Thanks for adding some clarity to what seemed like a bout of depression … but not quite.