Compulsion
28 December 2007I am driven in ways that are detrimental to those around me. If I am following a self-prescribed agenda it is next to impossible for anyone, or anything, to break me out of an almost obsessive mode to complete my objective. Drew tries to talk to me, the dog wants to play, and the cat wants to climb on for a ride…all of it is secondary and, admittedly, unrealistically irritating. During the times I do attempt to direct my attention to something else I can feel the gears in my head spinning madly attempting to get back on track - trying to create a mental list of what has been done, what needs to be done, and how it will affect my timetable of when it will be done. During those breaks I can’t completely devote myself to the new task or conversation because I can’t let go of what I “had” to get done in the first place, which in most/all cases was never something that couldn’t wait for 5-10 minutes, days or weeks.
My dad calls it ‘focus’. I believe both he and my mom are afflicted in similar ways… this driving need to complete a task at all costs. It does make me happy conquering the job that was standing in the way of getting on with my life, and I’m sure they find their own task completion equally rewarding. As Dr. Phil says, we “do what works.”
Fortunately, my entire life does not revolve around daily rituals or compulsions. Every task or chore does not cause me to implode into a mindless robot, but when it does happen it impacts those around me because I’m not able to give of myself. I am choosing to prioritize a job over the needs of my family, and this may be okay with a husband who (mostly) understands and pets who love me unconditionally but it won’t be okay when we have children. I worry that I’ll be unable to stop what I’m doing and really listen when I need to. I worry that I’ll make them feel less important because I can’t stop troubleshooting a program or organizing a drawer to hear what they have to say or spend time with them. I worry that they will not know that they are special and try to seek that validation elsewhere.
It’s crazy… worrying about screwing up kids that we don’t even have. It’s inevitable that we’ll screw them up some way, but I’d rather it not be through my own shortcomings that I’m well aware of before we even meet them.
on February 1st, 2008 at 11:14 pm
A good work ethic and how to create order and solve problems is not a bad thing for a child to learn from their mother.
Maybe you will create a child validation checklist. LOL
1. Ask child about day.
2. Assume facial expression of interest.
3. Smile at child.
4. Compliment child on
a)uniqueness of perspective
b)intelligence of observation
c)sensitivity of expression
d)bravery of spirit
e)precocious charm
As applicable.
on February 6th, 2008 at 10:47 am
Is this a multiple choice quiz? I don’t do so well with those…