Out-Law
25 April 2007Entering into a marriage usually includes being brought into the folds of a new family. If you’re lucky, everything goes seamlessly. To date I’ve been fairly lucky. My in-laws have been gracious hosts who have treated me with nothing but respect every time we’ve gotten together. The extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents) have been no less welcoming. It’s a really good group of people and I’ve always enjoyed the little time we’ve spent together.
There was, as there always is, an exception to the rule. Drew’s sister was always a bit of an enigma. I knew of her only through stories, despite her living 10 miles away for the first 2 years Drew and I were together. They had some bad history together that never really resolved itself with time. By all accounts Steffany was selfish, manipulative and very possibly agoraphobic. She spent all her time cooped up in her house with her cats, and hadn’t held a job since 1999. She was married to someone who most certainly enabled her, but everyone was just thankful she had someone who was willing to put up with her eccentric behavior.
I met Steffany late in 2005. At that time she was living with her husband up in the Seattle area. There was a 90th birthday party for Drew’s grandfather out in the Portland area which was well attended. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I hoped for the best. I’m pretty good about finding common ground with just about anyone, and Drew’s trepidation seemed like it might be a little misguided after so many years of not seeing each other. Surely at 33 she would capable of having productive conversations.
While the trip as a whole was a great success my conversations with his sister left much to be desired. Having stayed in the house for the better part of a decade the only subject that she could be considered an expert on was herself. Conversations were really one way dialogs listening to her talk about herself. She even managed to insert herself in every other conversation, and not with witty repartee. She had a knack for making everything about herself. It got old pretty quickly and you got the sense that people were avoiding talking with her. That was my one and only meeting with Steffany, and it confirmed everything I’d ever heard about her. Any hope I’d had of her and Drew reconnecting and being a real family were dashed.
It was with less surprise then one might imagine that we got a call mid-March that Steffany was in jail for stabbing her husband. The details were unclear. All we knew was that she called her mom after being locked up since the 1st to let her know the situation. At the same time we learned that Steffany had been previously diagnosed with, and was being medicated for, bi-polar disorder.
The next few weeks played out like a soap opera. The husband was okay, but he filed for divorce and an order of protection. We found out that he’d been arrested for domestic violence in Oct of 2005 and that she’d been arrested for domestic violence in March 2006. The husband claimed that she stabbed him in the back with a steak knife while he was sitting at the computer. She claimed she was justified in her actions due to his arrest in 2005 and had no remorse for any of it. She played the victim card. My mother-in-law was on the phone daily trying to get her out of jail so she could bring her back to Nevada. Getting her to Nevada presented its own unique challenge because Steffany was without a picture ID, and therefore unable to board a plane. It was a mess.
Finally, after ~45 days in jail Steffany was granted a hearing last Wednesday. She pled guilty to Third Degree Felony charges and was released with time served and probation. My mother-in-law was there to get her out and set her up in a hotel. Because it can take 2-4 weeks to transfer probation between states she was left with no other choice then to leave Steffany at the hotel and come home until they could work something out with the probation department. She left her on Saturday with the hotel bill paid in advance, some cash and her cell phone. As far as I know they were in frequent contact … until they weren’t.
We got a call last night that Steffany killed herself. She took all her meds and tied a belt around her neck so that she wouldn’t throw them back up. How she knew to do that is so disturbing that it disturbs me that I now know it. We have a better understanding now of the depths of her mental illness. She may have been selfish and manipulative, but it seems much more likely that she was unable to control her behavior, rather then unwilling. Her final troubles - seperation from her husband and being taken away from the home that was her only sanctuary - were enough to test the strongest of wills. She just didn’t have the skills to cope with adversity and in the end she dealt with things the only way she knew how.
I hurt for my husband and I hurt for his mother. Despite all the drama, Steffany was still someone’s sister and someone’s daughter and there will be a very real hole in their lives.
on April 26th, 2007 at 12:03 pm
What’s the opposite of lol? Thanks for writing what I couldn’t bring myself to write. It needed to be said and I have no idea when I will be strong enough to say it from my perspective.
Even though I wasn’t emotionally close to her, I have a much more profound sense of loss than you would imagine. I don’t understand the hows and the whys of what I’m feeling other than, perhaps, the ultimate reminder that now I never will have the relationship with Steffany that we should have had.
on April 26th, 2007 at 12:04 pm
As a further aside, you’ve never written better.
on April 30th, 2007 at 10:38 am
That is awful. My mother’s sister killed herself in her mid-thirties also. My mother said a sibling is like another self and when that person decides to end their life you can’t help but reflect on yourself. In a way siblings are our life partners. Our parents are there for our childhood and our spouses are there for our adulthood. In ordinary circumstances only our siblings make the whole journey with us. Drew’s comment is poignant, the loss of the relationship that he will never have.